Dreams, Thoughts, Imaginings

copyright - Lara Nadezda P. Melencio

DREAMS

Are dreams triggered by the subconscious? Are dreams somewhat a vision – a glimpse perhaps, of the future? Will it matter if we believe in dream analysis?

I had a dream about him. It wasn’t a nightmare though I expected it to be one. It’s as pathetic as the first and second despite the fact that I don’t really remember the second dream. I’ve been dreaming about him for three times now which is odd, impossible and weird.

I never felt more concerned, more bothered at the thought. Sure, a first dream would be weird but acceptable. Maybe my subconscious mind has troubles accepting that I can’t be with him for a long time – well, considering the odds, maybe forever. A second dream would be enough to let me think of him for a night or so. It can be merely a coincidence. But a third dream? Surely this is bizarre. He was my boyfriend. “WAS” would be the perfect word since he’s just an ex. “JUST” is a bit of an understatement though, but I never really amounted anything to him or it. Sometimes, I regard him as “it” whenever I think about all those cold bloody things he’d ever done to me. Well, I’ve done my share of cruelty but he broke my heart which is of course, unforgivable. I wish I could say I also broke his heart. How could I break a heart if, from the very start, it was already broken? How can I add injury to a bitter, self-centered, pathetic loser he is? I am being bitter. I learned that from him.

He was, is and will be a vampire for me, sucking the life out of me. I seemed like a dead person for months, even years and up to now, I haven’t gained full recovery of what he did to me. I was as lifeless as any corpse in the planet. I was a zombie with just one exception – I can cry.

I feel like a silly little kid who believes in the power of dreams. It’s not the type of dreams we encounter at night. It’s more of a goal, aspiration in life and a happy ending like in a fairy tale. I should know better than that. Dreams do come true when you do something about it but I doubt that. I have done all I can to make the relationship strong enough. It turned out; he’s much too strong enough to push me away.

He is also a wizard though he really fits in the word “witch” if he’d been a girl. Which is it, the wicked witch or the power-hungry wizard? I would take the latter. Possessing cunning skills and narcissism, he is both a vampire and a wizard for me. You may regard me as someone too bitter, morbid and angry but I am not. I’m too numb neither to feel anything nor to think of something dark and cruel about him. I’m only stating a fact from my own perspective. He can contradict me all he wants but I have all the powers here. This is my story.

When I first started this essay, story or whatever you can call it, I was bewildered as to why I would even bother to dream of a person like him. I wasn’t thinking of him. I wasn’t planning of thinking about him in the future either. Then, it hit me. He broke my heart thrice. So, dreaming about him thrice isn’t as bizarre as I thought I was. But had I predicted right?



MUDDY CLOTHES, BOYFRIEND, BRIDGE

The first dream is as clear as the sun to me. It was a good thing I had relayed this story to some of my friends. Too bad I just kept the second dream to myself. I can’t remember any of it but it’s just the same as the first and the third.