I have seen "BITTER" days... and Nights!

Reps to all the people I saw last night at Cubao X! The crowd never ceases to amaze me.. There's always something in Cubao X that will surprise you. Well, then again, it just might be the people, the conversation, the events or the alcohol.

Last night was a different story. Since, this blog was really made for unrequited love and star-crossed lovers, there ought to be just a tiny inch of negativity. Okay, so it was a bitter night -- far much bitter than the rest. I am trying to write this amidst the hangover so please forgive the scattered thoughts. Anyway, I am depressed --- BIGTIME and I don't know why. This actually sucks the life out of me. Is this maturity calling? Is it my heart bleeding? Bah! I don't really know.

Despite the fact that I am kind of "over the edge" right now, I am not bitter. At least that's the one thing I know I am not. See, my friends and I had a long chat about bitterness, about their exes and stuff. The result --- it feeds on my depression.

For all those BITTER sour-grapes out there, you have to.....

Then she came, The Psycho Bitch...

My best friend visited me last night. We haven't seen each other in a while now and we had a nice long talk over coke (I mean soda) and cigarettes. We talked about virtually anything from love, life, stoners, junkies and psychos. The list goes on and on. Then, I got to watch this creepy, disturbing, violent film called "The Loved Ones" which is about a psycho bitch and a twisted father. It was a weird night, I tell you. Of course, we gave a bit of advice to each other. We really needed time to think about our lives, our choices and stuff. 

After a few jokes, music stuff and venting out, we talked about pseudo-relationships, which boils down to just one topic: commitment. Why are some people afraid of commitment? Why are some people afraid to take risks? Why do some people like to play it safe?

You see, the real essence of loving a person is committing yourself wholeheartedly. No pretensions and complicated stuff. The main point is to take risks. To experience life together. To laugh, to cry, to hate and to laugh again. That's the way love is.

The presence of commitment phobes are the ones who created these psycho bitches. So when your girlfriend turns psycho over you, you're really the one to blame. I think, women are more superior and more talented than men that's why they tend to adapt, to cope. 

Montague, I'm not sure if I can still be your Capulet...

To Commit or Not To Commit?

To Commit or Not To Commit? This question had been lingering my mind now for days. Commitment can be a lot of things. What kind of commitment am I talking about anyway? It can be about work, about having a stable job, about God, about love, about someone special in your life right now. Whether they are about any of these things, the question still remains... "To Commit or Not To Commit"?


I read a book entitled The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. One of my favorite lines there was the distinction between "Freedom from and Freedom to."  According to the book, during the days of anarchy, we are rewarded with "Freedom to"... freedom to love, freedom to hate, freedom to oppress and the like. But with the advent of the new government and religion (You should read the book. It's great!), the people had been rewarded with "Freedom from"... freedom from love, freedom from hate, freedom from oppression and the like. So which is better? Freedom from or Freedom to? I would choose the latter.


Back to the commitment thing. When is the right time to commit yourself? When is the right time not to commit? How can you choose whether to commit or not? Who gets to choose? I'll answer the last question, "I do --- and you do too".


Lots of thoughts, more ideas.

No matter what this leads, I'll always be your Capulet.., my Montague...

It Was Only a Kiss... It was Only a Kiss...

"A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it the superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. But the tumult soon subsides. Time makes more converts than reason." 

by Thomas Paine


Songs: (Click on the Playlist)

• The Killers - Mr. Brightside
• Mishon - Just a Kiss
• Pearl Jam - Last Kiss

Love knows no reason...It chooses every person it wants... You don't have to think about it. Just follow your heart.. Love is the answer... Love is the reason... Love is everything...

Dreams, Thoughts, Imaginings

copyright - Lara Nadezda P. Melencio

DREAMS

Are dreams triggered by the subconscious? Are dreams somewhat a vision – a glimpse perhaps, of the future? Will it matter if we believe in dream analysis?

I had a dream about him. It wasn’t a nightmare though I expected it to be one. It’s as pathetic as the first and second despite the fact that I don’t really remember the second dream. I’ve been dreaming about him for three times now which is odd, impossible and weird.

I never felt more concerned, more bothered at the thought. Sure, a first dream would be weird but acceptable. Maybe my subconscious mind has troubles accepting that I can’t be with him for a long time – well, considering the odds, maybe forever. A second dream would be enough to let me think of him for a night or so. It can be merely a coincidence. But a third dream? Surely this is bizarre. He was my boyfriend. “WAS” would be the perfect word since he’s just an ex. “JUST” is a bit of an understatement though, but I never really amounted anything to him or it. Sometimes, I regard him as “it” whenever I think about all those cold bloody things he’d ever done to me. Well, I’ve done my share of cruelty but he broke my heart which is of course, unforgivable. I wish I could say I also broke his heart. How could I break a heart if, from the very start, it was already broken? How can I add injury to a bitter, self-centered, pathetic loser he is? I am being bitter. I learned that from him.

He was, is and will be a vampire for me, sucking the life out of me. I seemed like a dead person for months, even years and up to now, I haven’t gained full recovery of what he did to me. I was as lifeless as any corpse in the planet. I was a zombie with just one exception – I can cry.

I feel like a silly little kid who believes in the power of dreams. It’s not the type of dreams we encounter at night. It’s more of a goal, aspiration in life and a happy ending like in a fairy tale. I should know better than that. Dreams do come true when you do something about it but I doubt that. I have done all I can to make the relationship strong enough. It turned out; he’s much too strong enough to push me away.

He is also a wizard though he really fits in the word “witch” if he’d been a girl. Which is it, the wicked witch or the power-hungry wizard? I would take the latter. Possessing cunning skills and narcissism, he is both a vampire and a wizard for me. You may regard me as someone too bitter, morbid and angry but I am not. I’m too numb neither to feel anything nor to think of something dark and cruel about him. I’m only stating a fact from my own perspective. He can contradict me all he wants but I have all the powers here. This is my story.

When I first started this essay, story or whatever you can call it, I was bewildered as to why I would even bother to dream of a person like him. I wasn’t thinking of him. I wasn’t planning of thinking about him in the future either. Then, it hit me. He broke my heart thrice. So, dreaming about him thrice isn’t as bizarre as I thought I was. But had I predicted right?



MUDDY CLOTHES, BOYFRIEND, BRIDGE

The first dream is as clear as the sun to me. It was a good thing I had relayed this story to some of my friends. Too bad I just kept the second dream to myself. I can’t remember any of it but it’s just the same as the first and the third.

Story of Him Part 1

Forgive the title. I can't think of any appropriate title at the moment. I'll just change it later.

First off, I'm a girl. (No, not exactly) I'm a lady. (That's better)

I met this typically "cute" guy in Manila. This happened 4 years ago. Yes, it's been so long yet it feels like yesterday. I can still remember the good times. Sadly, they're all just memories now. I've tried to move on but there's always this small spot that belongs to him. There's a small spot in my heart that solely belongs to him. No matter what I do, I can't wipe it clean. Yes, I'm still in love with him. It's not that I haven't tried to make things right. I have tried dozens of times and I failed. Now, let me tell you his story.

My friends and I always go to Manila once a week. It's a sort of weekly get-together. It's fun and exciting. We always get to meet new people. I met him from a common friend. He's quiet and mysterious, exactly my type. I did not really bother to get to know him for my heart belongs to someone else back then. After a week, we saw each other again. I was pretty wasted that time but I didn't really care. I was high! What will I care about? What started as very embarrassing moment turned out to be a very good friendship. We became close friends. He started sending me text messages the next day. We also started talking for long periods on the phone. We were like best friends. He's just the right friend I needed to forget about my problems.

Then one Thursday night, I felt something about him -- something I can't explain, something I can't understand, something that happens so fast. From then on, I knew I was in love with him.

I held my feelings all to myself. I don't want to lose our friendship. As a lady, I want him to be the first to do the move. So, I waited. I waited and waited hoping one day he'll see me in a whole new light. I wanted him to tell me exactly what I wanted to hear, but it never came.

(to be continued)