Why the First Song on my Playlist is Vincent (Starry Starry Night)

HARANA - A Filipino term for "serenade".

In Filipino culture, harana is considered one of the best tactics in courting a girl. If you are an eligible bachelor who knows how to play the guitar and with a good voice, you can easily make HARANA without any complications.

Me and my late boyfriend, Ricky, both love Van Gogh. We are both fascinated by how artistic Vincent Wilhelm Van Gogh is and we are both aware of the tragedies and difficulties in life that he underwent. I have posted in my facebook "about me" section that "If you LOVE VAN GOGH, then I LOVE YOU". It just so happened that Ricky also loved Van Gogh (talk about soul mates and common interests).

To cut the story short, Ricky just knows how to play the guitar and he has this amazing voice. He always used to serenade me with the song Vincent and it was the best version I've ever heard. I even recorded a video of him playing the song but my memory card got corrupted. I never had the chance to record it again but even so, the memory is still as vivid as ever.

I miss him so much. I miss the butterflies in my stomach, heart-pumping feelings (like my heart wants to get out of my chest) and the "kilig" moments.

Over Tears and Coffee

Quotes from goodreads.com. I did put extra emphasis on the ones I can relate to personally.


“I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.” 
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“Love is not an equation, it is not a contract, and it is not a happy ending. Love is the slate under the chalk, the ground that buildings rise, and the oxygen in the air. It is the place you come back to, no matter where you're headed” 
― Jodi Picoult

“There is no pretending", Jace said with absolute clarity."I love you,and I will love you until I die,and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then."She caught her breath. He had said it-the words there was no going back from.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“He looked so lost, so soulful, so lonely. I wanted him to kiss me now. I wanted to let him know I was his for all eternity.” 
― Ellen Schreiber, Vampire Kisses

“They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am a man under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There's got to be someone for me. It's not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone.” 
― Henry Rollins

“When forever becomes a place...when forever ceases to be just a word… when it ceases to be just a measurement of time…but instead becomes a place where soul mates can dance to the song in their hearts, that is a reflection of true love.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

“I've felt basically lucky ever since, almost every day of my life. That's something else love should make you feel. It should make you fell fortunate.
It will be made clear to you in a stray gesture, the line of a throat. Something in the hands. There may or may not be any music playing. But there will be a certain velocity of the spirit, a sensation of dropping through clear space unimpeded, and you think, This is the one. I found you.” 
― Suzanne Finnamore, The Zygote Chronicles

 “True love is taking the risk that it won't be a happily-ever-after. True love is joining hands with the man who loves you for who you are, and saying, "I'm not afraid to believe in you.” 
― Cara Lockwood, I Do (But I Don't)

“If it's possible to send a message from heaven, I'll get one to you.” ― Lurlene McDaniel, Don't Die, My Love

The Happiest Person has the Saddest Story to Tell

Taken last summer (April 2013) at Korokan Iba, Zambales

Telling something funny to friends.

It's our 2nd anniversary BABE! Tinuloy ko pa rin to kasi ito yung inaabangan kasi talaga natin. We were supposed to go out of town and leave everything behind. We were supposed to have a week-long celebration.

This time, it's a celebration of tastes, memories, life and love. Ito yung mga pagkain na memorable sa kin, sa tin - mga hilig nating ibigay sa isa't isa. Kahit you're not physically here to celebrate this day, at least I got to celebrate it with the people we love -friends and family.

Salamat sa lahat lahat BABE. Salamat sa pag aalaga sa akin, lalong lalo na pag may sakit ako. Salamat sa laging pagremind sa akin na mahal na mahal mo ko. Salamat sa mga ngiti at tawa mo na laging nagpapagaan ng loob ko. Salamat sa paghatid sa kin araw-araw papuntang school at sa pag attend ng activities ko sa school.Thank you for being there for me sa lahat ng oras, mapa-worst or best moments of my life. Thank you for always telling me I am beautiful whenever I needed a confidence boost. Thank you for believing in me and being my number1 fan in everything. Thank you for sharing all your hopes, dreams and worst fears to me. Thank you for being the ideal partner - my perfect boyfriend. Thank you for the unconditional love babe na hanggang sa huli ay pinakita at ipinadama mo sa kin. Thank you for the wonderful memories. Hinding hindi na yun maaalis sa isip, puso at kaluluwa ko. I will always look back at those memories dahil yun ang pinakamasaya ko. Being with you was as natural as breathing.

Kulang ang space dito kung ieenumerate ko lahat ng namimiss ko. Yung malaki mong tyan na favorite kong gawing unan, yung paghilik mo ng malakas na minsan parang nananakot, yung nagsasalita ka habang tulog, yung ichura mo pag nagtatampo, yung reaksyon ng mukha mo pag hindi ako nakapag "I love you too" agad, yung mga yakap mo pag sobrang down na down ako, encouraging words mo pag naaasar ako sa buhay, pagtulong mo sa mga video and powerpoint presentations ko, yung pagsugod mo sa bahay at iniiwan lahat ng ginagawa mo pag naaaksidente ako, yung maya't mayang text mo habang nagkaklase ako, yung paghele mo sakin para makatulog, yung pag sinabi mong "hindi pwede" at alam ko talagang hindi talaga pwede, yung pagkanta mo nung song natin at random moments and so much more.

Parang naputulan ako ng mga paa nung nawala ka. Lahat ng plano at pangarap na tayong dalawa ang nagbuo bigla bigla na lang nawala. Kung gaano kabilis kang ibinigay sa kin, ganun din kabilis kinuha. Oo nahihirapan pa rin ako. Masakit pa rin isipin na hindi na kita makikita ulit, na hindi na tayo tatandang magkasama. Hindi naman madaling maiwanan. Hindi naman madaling mag move on lalo na kung alam naman natin na hindi mo rin ako ginustong iwan.

Gaya nga ng pinost ko noon sa fb, "you are my inspiration in everything I was, I am and will be." you will always have a special place in my heart BABE. Hinding hindi kita malilimutan. You taught me a lot things. You made me a better person. You became my light when everything seemed to be so dark. You were my rock. Itong mga bagay na to alam kong once in a lifetime ko lang mararanasan and I'm so grateful that I got to share these with you.

Hindi ko niroromanticize ang love story natin. Ikaw na ikaw talaga yan BABE. Mahirap man paniwalaan na may taong ganito, eh ganito ka eh - ikaw 'to. Hindi man ako showy at affectionate na girlfriend, sana naramdaman mo kung gaano kita kamahal in my own little ways. Sana naramdaman mo how grateful I was to have had you in my life. I was the luckiest person to experience such true love that will last a lifetime. Na kahit sa sandaling panahon lang, we were happy.

Click Here for More Photos

Letter to Montague

My Montague,

Let's just say that I always see the good in people -- that tiny speck of goodness left in their hearts.

A lot of people think I'm crazy. A lot of people perceive me as a little girl, trying to save those who are not worth saving, but I didn't care. But what did you repay me? A little kindness but a ton of shit.

You are the reason why I lost all hope in mankind. You are the living proof that there really is no room for change. In Tagalog , "Ganyan ka na lang". No matter how hard I help you, if you are not willing to do this for yourself, you will be forever stuck in that bunch of crap you have created. I've had enough of your inconsistencies. You are the exception, I cannot fight for you anymore.

Sometimes, quiting, surrendering, losing faith in someone may not be the best decision but it is the right thing to do.

You're on your own. I wish you the best.

Capulet

Sylvia Plath's - Poppies in October

This is perhaps one of the most beautiful Plath poems I've ever read. You can easily connect to her writing. Oh how I love Sylvia Plath.

Even the sun-clouds this morning cannot manage such skirts.

Nor the woman in the ambulance

Whose red heart blooms through her coat so astoundingly ----A gift, a love gift

Utterly unasked for

By a skyPalely and flamily

Igniting its carbon monoxides, by eyes

Dulled to a halt under bowlers.O my God, what am I

That these late mouths should cry open

In a forest of frost, in a dawn of cornflowers.

Excuse me, Montague.. It's Plath's reign once again.

I have seen "BITTER" days... and Nights!

Reps to all the people I saw last night at Cubao X! The crowd never ceases to amaze me.. There's always something in Cubao X that will surprise you. Well, then again, it just might be the people, the conversation, the events or the alcohol.

Last night was a different story. Since, this blog was really made for unrequited love and star-crossed lovers, there ought to be just a tiny inch of negativity. Okay, so it was a bitter night -- far much bitter than the rest. I am trying to write this amidst the hangover so please forgive the scattered thoughts. Anyway, I am depressed --- BIGTIME and I don't know why. This actually sucks the life out of me. Is this maturity calling? Is it my heart bleeding? Bah! I don't really know.

Despite the fact that I am kind of "over the edge" right now, I am not bitter. At least that's the one thing I know I am not. See, my friends and I had a long chat about bitterness, about their exes and stuff. The result --- it feeds on my depression.

For all those BITTER sour-grapes out there, you have to.....

Directions to Utopia, please!

Oh dear Lord, take away all this drama!!

Please bring me to Utopia

where I'll find peace! 

I've always been a happy person, but ever since I met him (I am not referring to the person I was referring to in my old posts. In short, this "him" is another person, hypothetically speaking.) (please read my disclaimer). Okay, so where were we? Eversince I met him, I've sort of stumbled into an emotional roller coaster ride. I call it BV (Bad Vibes). I call it DRAMA. I am so sick and tired off this crap. I just want every ounce of negativity to go away. Please take me to a 'happy place" where I am free to love anyone I choose to be with and free to be loved by anyone who chooses to. I am not a cynic. Dark energies aren't made for me. It just isn't.

Between Montagues and Capulets

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name;

Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love

And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Romeo: [Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

Juliet:'Tis but thy name that is my enemy:

Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.

What's Montague? It is nor hand nor foot,

Nor arm nor face, nor any other part

Belonging to a man. O be some other name!

What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other word would smell as sweet;

So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,

Retain that dear perfection which he owes

Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,

and for thy name, which is no part of thee,

Take all myself.

Romeo And Juliet Act 2, scene 2, 33–49

Feed my Empty Brain with BOOOOOKKKSSS...

I LOVE YOU PAULO COELHO!


Haven't seen the movie yet and I'd rather read the book first to experience the excitement, drama and imagination first-hand.


This book tells us the story of Veronika, a 24-year-old perfect girl who has everything in life but decides to kill herself. It is a story of inspiration that amidst all the darkness in life, we tend to see it in a lighter shade.


Veronika Decides to Die has been said to be based from the author's experiences in numerous mental institutions. It is focused on the concept of "madness".

Collective madness is called insanity.

Forever... Is it really FOR EVER??

"I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig-tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

--- Sylvia Plath

I am now deleting my Xmas wishlist located on the bottom of this blog and reinventing it as MY FOREVER WISHLIST... I was deeply moved and captivated by Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar". It is truly an American Classic Novel. I missed reading. I missed literature. It appears as though my artistic side of the brain had been starved to death. But fret not my tiny little brain, for I will not abandon you. I will continue to feed you with thoughts, ideas and soon --- the creative juices will follow...

Feel free to take a look at my FOREVER WISHLIST just below the posts.

I'm in love with a Montague

Holding back feelings for someone won't make it any better... 

So, obsessing and letting your love suffice is a good option. 

Love, until there's no more left to love...

-Lara Nadezda P. Melencio

I kept thinking about these words while I was in my "Happy Place"... It's the truth, right? I once kept my feelings for someone hoping I can move on but nearly 3 years had passed, and everytime I hear his voice, see his face and kiss his lips, I still get butterflies on my stomach. He is like a drug -- bad for my system but feels so right.. I am now trying with all my might to just admire and love him from afar. I still can't understand why 2 perfect people can never be together. Sucks to be US.. I know, right?? 

I'm in love with a Montague!!

Love, Juliet Capulet

 Don't get me wrong, I love the chase -- but sometimes, I would rather wish it's over rather than running in circles wondering when will one of us will catch the other...


Star-Crossed Lovers like Romeo and Juliet

My Weakness

I'm a sucker for people who love Van Gogh.
Don't you just love people who appreciate art?
Art doesn't need to be beautiful but it certainly needs to have emotions/feelings...

On the left is Vincent Willem van Gogh's painting entitled "Starry Starry Night". It it is the same one that  inspired Don McLean to write a song about this exceptional artist. 


Sure, this painting has lots of colors but can you see the sadness it emanates? This is one of my favorite Van Gogh paintings.

This is entitled "Sunflowers". This is my favorite Van Gogh artwork for it represents reality --- life. Notice the state of the sunflowers? Some of them are fresh, happy-looking and sunny while the others are either about to wither or are already dead.
I don't need to elaborate. You get the point, right?


As the song "Vincent" says, 

Have I told you, Vincent

this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

 If you love Van Gogh ----
then ---


ILOVEYOU :)

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

 Love and Death 

 

Love knows no reason...It chooses every person it wants... You don't have to think about it. Just follow your heart.. Love is the answer... Love is the reason... Love is everything...

Dreams, Thoughts, Imaginings

copyright - Lara Nadezda P. Melencio

DREAMS

Are dreams triggered by the subconscious? Are dreams somewhat a vision – a glimpse perhaps, of the future? Will it matter if we believe in dream analysis?

I had a dream about him. It wasn’t a nightmare though I expected it to be one. It’s as pathetic as the first and second despite the fact that I don’t really remember the second dream. I’ve been dreaming about him for three times now which is odd, impossible and weird.

I never felt more concerned, more bothered at the thought. Sure, a first dream would be weird but acceptable. Maybe my subconscious mind has troubles accepting that I can’t be with him for a long time – well, considering the odds, maybe forever. A second dream would be enough to let me think of him for a night or so. It can be merely a coincidence. But a third dream? Surely this is bizarre. He was my boyfriend. “WAS” would be the perfect word since he’s just an ex. “JUST” is a bit of an understatement though, but I never really amounted anything to him or it. Sometimes, I regard him as “it” whenever I think about all those cold bloody things he’d ever done to me. Well, I’ve done my share of cruelty but he broke my heart which is of course, unforgivable. I wish I could say I also broke his heart. How could I break a heart if, from the very start, it was already broken? How can I add injury to a bitter, self-centered, pathetic loser he is? I am being bitter. I learned that from him.

He was, is and will be a vampire for me, sucking the life out of me. I seemed like a dead person for months, even years and up to now, I haven’t gained full recovery of what he did to me. I was as lifeless as any corpse in the planet. I was a zombie with just one exception – I can cry.

I feel like a silly little kid who believes in the power of dreams. It’s not the type of dreams we encounter at night. It’s more of a goal, aspiration in life and a happy ending like in a fairy tale. I should know better than that. Dreams do come true when you do something about it but I doubt that. I have done all I can to make the relationship strong enough. It turned out; he’s much too strong enough to push me away.

He is also a wizard though he really fits in the word “witch” if he’d been a girl. Which is it, the wicked witch or the power-hungry wizard? I would take the latter. Possessing cunning skills and narcissism, he is both a vampire and a wizard for me. You may regard me as someone too bitter, morbid and angry but I am not. I’m too numb neither to feel anything nor to think of something dark and cruel about him. I’m only stating a fact from my own perspective. He can contradict me all he wants but I have all the powers here. This is my story.

When I first started this essay, story or whatever you can call it, I was bewildered as to why I would even bother to dream of a person like him. I wasn’t thinking of him. I wasn’t planning of thinking about him in the future either. Then, it hit me. He broke my heart thrice. So, dreaming about him thrice isn’t as bizarre as I thought I was. But had I predicted right?



MUDDY CLOTHES, BOYFRIEND, BRIDGE

The first dream is as clear as the sun to me. It was a good thing I had relayed this story to some of my friends. Too bad I just kept the second dream to myself. I can’t remember any of it but it’s just the same as the first and the third.

Story of Him Part 1

Forgive the title. I can't think of any appropriate title at the moment. I'll just change it later.

First off, I'm a girl. (No, not exactly) I'm a lady. (That's better)

I met this typically "cute" guy in Manila. This happened 4 years ago. Yes, it's been so long yet it feels like yesterday. I can still remember the good times. Sadly, they're all just memories now. I've tried to move on but there's always this small spot that belongs to him. There's a small spot in my heart that solely belongs to him. No matter what I do, I can't wipe it clean. Yes, I'm still in love with him. It's not that I haven't tried to make things right. I have tried dozens of times and I failed. Now, let me tell you his story.

My friends and I always go to Manila once a week. It's a sort of weekly get-together. It's fun and exciting. We always get to meet new people. I met him from a common friend. He's quiet and mysterious, exactly my type. I did not really bother to get to know him for my heart belongs to someone else back then. After a week, we saw each other again. I was pretty wasted that time but I didn't really care. I was high! What will I care about? What started as very embarrassing moment turned out to be a very good friendship. We became close friends. He started sending me text messages the next day. We also started talking for long periods on the phone. We were like best friends. He's just the right friend I needed to forget about my problems.

Then one Thursday night, I felt something about him -- something I can't explain, something I can't understand, something that happens so fast. From then on, I knew I was in love with him.

I held my feelings all to myself. I don't want to lose our friendship. As a lady, I want him to be the first to do the move. So, I waited. I waited and waited hoping one day he'll see me in a whole new light. I wanted him to tell me exactly what I wanted to hear, but it never came.

(to be continued)