Why the First Song on my Playlist is Vincent (Starry Starry Night)

HARANA - A Filipino term for "serenade".

In Filipino culture, harana is considered one of the best tactics in courting a girl. If you are an eligible bachelor who knows how to play the guitar and with a good voice, you can easily make HARANA without any complications.

Me and my late boyfriend, Ricky, both love Van Gogh. We are both fascinated by how artistic Vincent Wilhelm Van Gogh is and we are both aware of the tragedies and difficulties in life that he underwent. I have posted in my facebook "about me" section that "If you LOVE VAN GOGH, then I LOVE YOU". It just so happened that Ricky also loved Van Gogh (talk about soul mates and common interests).

To cut the story short, Ricky just knows how to play the guitar and he has this amazing voice. He always used to serenade me with the song Vincent and it was the best version I've ever heard. I even recorded a video of him playing the song but my memory card got corrupted. I never had the chance to record it again but even so, the memory is still as vivid as ever.

I miss him so much. I miss the butterflies in my stomach, heart-pumping feelings (like my heart wants to get out of my chest) and the "kilig" moments.

Over Tears and Coffee

Quotes from goodreads.com. I did put extra emphasis on the ones I can relate to personally.


“I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.” 
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

“Love is not an equation, it is not a contract, and it is not a happy ending. Love is the slate under the chalk, the ground that buildings rise, and the oxygen in the air. It is the place you come back to, no matter where you're headed” 
― Jodi Picoult

“There is no pretending", Jace said with absolute clarity."I love you,and I will love you until I die,and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then."She caught her breath. He had said it-the words there was no going back from.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

“He looked so lost, so soulful, so lonely. I wanted him to kiss me now. I wanted to let him know I was his for all eternity.” 
― Ellen Schreiber, Vampire Kisses

“They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am a man under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There's got to be someone for me. It's not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone.” 
― Henry Rollins

“When forever becomes a place...when forever ceases to be just a word… when it ceases to be just a measurement of time…but instead becomes a place where soul mates can dance to the song in their hearts, that is a reflection of true love.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

“I've felt basically lucky ever since, almost every day of my life. That's something else love should make you feel. It should make you fell fortunate.
It will be made clear to you in a stray gesture, the line of a throat. Something in the hands. There may or may not be any music playing. But there will be a certain velocity of the spirit, a sensation of dropping through clear space unimpeded, and you think, This is the one. I found you.” 
― Suzanne Finnamore, The Zygote Chronicles

 “True love is taking the risk that it won't be a happily-ever-after. True love is joining hands with the man who loves you for who you are, and saying, "I'm not afraid to believe in you.” 
― Cara Lockwood, I Do (But I Don't)

“If it's possible to send a message from heaven, I'll get one to you.” ― Lurlene McDaniel, Don't Die, My Love

The Happiest Person has the Saddest Story to Tell

Taken last summer (April 2013) at Korokan Iba, Zambales

Telling something funny to friends.

1st VideoBlog. Please follow, rate, comment, share or anything!

Coping with Grief and Recovery Process from Lai on Vimeo.

TYPO and MENTAL error: CRITIQUE=CRITIC

Melancholy

It has been nearly 4 months since he passed away. I tried to keep my mind off things. I tried being busy - doing a lot more than I can handle so that I won't overthink things - but of no avail. I still cry everyday. I still think about him. I still wish he was here.

“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.” ― Edgar Allan Poe

It's our 2nd anniversary BABE! Tinuloy ko pa rin to kasi ito yung inaabangan kasi talaga natin. We were supposed to go out of town and leave everything behind. We were supposed to have a week-long celebration.

This time, it's a celebration of tastes, memories, life and love. Ito yung mga pagkain na memorable sa kin, sa tin - mga hilig nating ibigay sa isa't isa. Kahit you're not physically here to celebrate this day, at least I got to celebrate it with the people we love -friends and family.

Salamat sa lahat lahat BABE. Salamat sa pag aalaga sa akin, lalong lalo na pag may sakit ako. Salamat sa laging pagremind sa akin na mahal na mahal mo ko. Salamat sa mga ngiti at tawa mo na laging nagpapagaan ng loob ko. Salamat sa paghatid sa kin araw-araw papuntang school at sa pag attend ng activities ko sa school.Thank you for being there for me sa lahat ng oras, mapa-worst or best moments of my life. Thank you for always telling me I am beautiful whenever I needed a confidence boost. Thank you for believing in me and being my number1 fan in everything. Thank you for sharing all your hopes, dreams and worst fears to me. Thank you for being the ideal partner - my perfect boyfriend. Thank you for the unconditional love babe na hanggang sa huli ay pinakita at ipinadama mo sa kin. Thank you for the wonderful memories. Hinding hindi na yun maaalis sa isip, puso at kaluluwa ko. I will always look back at those memories dahil yun ang pinakamasaya ko. Being with you was as natural as breathing.

Kulang ang space dito kung ieenumerate ko lahat ng namimiss ko. Yung malaki mong tyan na favorite kong gawing unan, yung paghilik mo ng malakas na minsan parang nananakot, yung nagsasalita ka habang tulog, yung ichura mo pag nagtatampo, yung reaksyon ng mukha mo pag hindi ako nakapag "I love you too" agad, yung mga yakap mo pag sobrang down na down ako, encouraging words mo pag naaasar ako sa buhay, pagtulong mo sa mga video and powerpoint presentations ko, yung pagsugod mo sa bahay at iniiwan lahat ng ginagawa mo pag naaaksidente ako, yung maya't mayang text mo habang nagkaklase ako, yung paghele mo sakin para makatulog, yung pag sinabi mong "hindi pwede" at alam ko talagang hindi talaga pwede, yung pagkanta mo nung song natin at random moments and so much more.

Parang naputulan ako ng mga paa nung nawala ka. Lahat ng plano at pangarap na tayong dalawa ang nagbuo bigla bigla na lang nawala. Kung gaano kabilis kang ibinigay sa kin, ganun din kabilis kinuha. Oo nahihirapan pa rin ako. Masakit pa rin isipin na hindi na kita makikita ulit, na hindi na tayo tatandang magkasama. Hindi naman madaling maiwanan. Hindi naman madaling mag move on lalo na kung alam naman natin na hindi mo rin ako ginustong iwan.

Gaya nga ng pinost ko noon sa fb, "you are my inspiration in everything I was, I am and will be." you will always have a special place in my heart BABE. Hinding hindi kita malilimutan. You taught me a lot things. You made me a better person. You became my light when everything seemed to be so dark. You were my rock. Itong mga bagay na to alam kong once in a lifetime ko lang mararanasan and I'm so grateful that I got to share these with you.

Hindi ko niroromanticize ang love story natin. Ikaw na ikaw talaga yan BABE. Mahirap man paniwalaan na may taong ganito, eh ganito ka eh - ikaw 'to. Hindi man ako showy at affectionate na girlfriend, sana naramdaman mo kung gaano kita kamahal in my own little ways. Sana naramdaman mo how grateful I was to have had you in my life. I was the luckiest person to experience such true love that will last a lifetime. Na kahit sa sandaling panahon lang, we were happy.

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I got this from: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/when-you-got-sick
This is exactly how I felt when he passed away...

Grief Poem

When You Got Sick

© Abby M. Gamez

When you got sick,
I thought it was the flu.
You went to lie down,
With me thinking there was nothing wrong with you.
You ended up in the hospital,
I knew your time was now.
I wanted to help,
But I didn't know how.
I know now if you had chosen to stay,
Your life would have been difficult from day to day.
I respect your decision,
Though I felt it was wrong.
I had no way of knowing,
Each moment was too long.
At 27, you were ready to die,
To see the people to whom you had once said good-bye.
The sorrow I felt was indescribable,
And the love in my heart was undeniable.
Would you have heard me say good-bye,
When all I wanted to do is cry?
Would I have more peace in my heart,
If I had known how soon we were going to part?
Did you know that I loved you?
Did you know how I felt?
I'll always wonder if it really helped.

This was taken during a mob for sintax. 10.15.12. I love you babe, my soulmate, my twin soul. always and forever. Until the next life.

Thanks to PLM comrades Larry Pascua and Tado Jimenez, I finally got this signed babe! This is my gift to you. I love you so much. Today should've been our 22nd month together. I'm missing you more and more everyday. This was the last book that you bought and read. I Love You.

Still Lost Without You, Babe

 Babe, my Montague,  why did you have to leave? You promised to be with me forever. What did we do wrong? Why did it have to be you?

I'M MISSING YOU EVERYDAY BABE... IT HURTS SO MUCH...

I haven't posted anything for the last few months. I've been very busy at work and at school. I never thought this is how I would tell the end of me and my boyfriend's beautiful love story...

My boyfriend died on Christmas Day. He had lymphoma.

It all happened so fast. We weren't ready for this.

I signed up for a site called "The Experience Project" and posted this story:

The Day My Soul Mate Died 

We never thought it was going to happen. We never thought he would be taken away so soon.

My boyfriend died a few days ago, Christmas day due to lymphoma and other complications.

Let me tell you our story.

I've known my babe since I was 17 years old. He was a friend of my then-boyfriend. I had gotten really close to the friends of my ex so I still kept in touch. I attended Christmas parties - I only see them once a year. Me and my babe never really got along then. We just don't jive. Then nearly 2 years ago, I was just joking around on facebook with some friends and he was there. We both decided to change our relationship status to "in a relationshp" for fun. Then we got to know each other thru sms and calls. I can still remember him asking me if I was serious in the relationship. I took some time to think about it and decided to give it a try. I never regretted that decision.

He was the guy every woman would've hoped for. He was sweet, caring, sympathetic and loves me for who i am. We've been together for nearly 2 years. I know it's not a lot. He was taken away so soon. During our first few months together, I was holding back. Maybe it's because I had gotten hurt before from my past experiences but he always reassured me that he is not like my exes and he has plans for us. I felt his sincerity through actions and words.

After that, I immediately devoted my love and my life for him. We thought we'd be together forever. Just 6 months ago, we decided to live together. It was just as easy as breathing. We never had serious fights, just the normal and trivial things. It was perfect. He wanted to get married after I graduate college (2 years from now) . We wanted to start a business so we can save for the wedding and a nice condo or house. We wanted to have kids. We wanted to start a family 2 years from now. 

He had a simple flu. We never really thought something was wrong. He got better after a fewdays. Then, all of a sudden he had fever. We went to a doctor to have him checked. The doctor said it was nothing serious. After a few days, my babe was complaining about some ringing in his ear. We went to an ear specialist. They told us it was an ear infection and prescribed some antibiotics. 

After a few days, my babe's eyes begin to squint. That was the time when we rushed him to the E.R. they first thought it was a stroke but we learned that it was meningitis due to his ear infection. He was administered with intravenous antibiotics for 7 days. He was cured with his meningitis but the doctors weren't sure as to why his platelet count was dropping. They found a lump on his neck and they did a biopsy.

We found out he had lymphoma - cancer of the lymph nodes. He was scheduled for a chemo. I wasn't at the hospital when his parents decided to take him home. I was busy preparing for the benefit concert that me and his friends were organizing. I was so shocked when I found out he left the hospital. I went there and stayed for a night. I can see a slight improvement because he didn't know that he has cancer. I left there on the 23rd feeling happy because I am so sure he can get past this. 

On Christmas day, I was so excited to see him. I arrived at 7 in the evening. I was so shocked when I saw him that day. He was so skinny. This was not the babe that I saw just 2 days ago. He simply looked at me and moaned and moaned nonstop. We rushed him to the hospital where he was intubated. I was the one who was pumping the airbag the whole time. All I can do is look at him and call him "babe" over and over and over again. He was taken to the lab to do an x-ray. We waited outside and some of his closest friends arrived. I told them what happened. My babe's family called me back and I saw with my own two eyes how he was being revived for 30 minutes. And he's gone forever.

Until now, I can't get over the fact that he's gone. I haven't been to our place because it hurts so much. I've left our room the way it was when we went to the hospital. We made a lot of plans together and I don't know how I can face life without him. I love him so much. His family said he only waited for me to arrive on Christmas and it was the sweetest thing that my babe had done. 

Until his last breath he wanted to show me how much he loved me.

 Now, everything reminds me of him. Every corner of the house we lived in reminds me of him. Even my school reminds me of him. Every inch of my body yearns for him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I am forced to face life alone without my "better" half.

I talk to him everyday. I still confide to him all my worries, frustrations, happy thoughts, grief and everything under the sun like I used to do when he was still alive.

People say it will get better as time passes but the pain only gets worse. Everyday is a struggle for me. I have hoped so many times that this was all a bad dream. I keep on thinking why this happened to us? What did we do to deserve this?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABE.

Babe, remember the time when you promised that I will be the last girl that you will ever love? Well, you were right. I was the last girl that you loved. But then you promised me you will never ever leave me no matter what. You promised me we will be together forever. I miss you so much. I will never ever forget you. I will try so hard to hold on to the memories and no one can take that away from me.

Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita, Ricky Baldezar de Asis.